If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
