i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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