Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
