my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
