..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize