woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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