It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
