she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he thought i was a dude.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
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Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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