Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
