She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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