I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
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I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
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