everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
