I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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