You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
