Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
