Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
