why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
