Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
being pregnant is like rehab
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
