JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
