Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Your cock deserves a montage
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
