This is not my ceiling
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
