I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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