I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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