Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card