Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman