Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
