I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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