it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
