Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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