i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
