I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she peed on how many people?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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