He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
