He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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