On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
