I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
