She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just want nice things and good sex
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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