Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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