Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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