i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
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If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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