I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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