Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
