I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
