I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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