the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You made out with two different species that night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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