You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
