Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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