I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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