I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
