Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
