How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
