I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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