Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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