I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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