if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
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