I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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