I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
