I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
